I'd Choose Not to Be!




Poems from the Quivering Quill
of Ivo Planarian, Sp.D.

Difficulties with the Usage of Case in the Species Platyhelminthes

Finalist in the 2001 Julia A. Moore Poetry Parody Contest
(It should have finished second, but didn't.)

I am The Flatworm.
The Flatworm is me.
I'se gots little eyespots
Jes so's I can see.

I am The Flatworm.
The Flatworm is I.
Sometimes I reproduce by an asexual method known as parthenogenic budding.
Sometimes I just die.

I wuz robbed!

Our Fine Thanksgiving Repast

On holidays, I eat the food
That falls down from the Horns of Plenty,
And then I brush my teeth real good
To keep my breath all fresh and minty.

The Basic and Essential Nature of the Chief Philosophical Tenets of One of Our Two Major American Political Parties

Republicans whine
And Republicans bitch,
"Our rich are too poor
And our Poor are too rich."

The Universe From a Statue's Point of View

Deadly pigeons
All around
In the air
And on the ground.

Deadly pigeons
On the ground
And in the air.

Some BurmaShave-style Rhymes About the Election of 2000 which I call Shit!:

She thought
That Nader
Was really swell.
Bush won
The vote. Now
She's in hell.
Busha Shave
In the debates
Bush sniffs
And fidgets
'Cause his
IQ's in
Single digits.
Busha Shave
Bush asks,
"Is our
Children learning?"
But when
Bush thinks,
You smell circuits burning.
Busha Shave
George Bush
(He learned by rote)
It's not
"One man..." but
"One buck, one vote."
Busha Shave
Drill all
For oil.
George Bush bin pushin'.
To make
Our land
A big pincushion.
Busha Shave
George Bush
For prez?
You bite your tongue!
The man's as
Dumb as
Turkey dung.
Busha Shave
The Freepers rave,
"Al Gore's
A liar!"
Then why have
THEIR pants
Caught on fire?
Busha Shave
"Flynt molests
Freepers sing.
They'd best
Take care...
That's Dubya's thing.
Busha Shave
"Real Plans
For Real People."
Is his "idea."
It sounds
Like Bush
Brain diarrhea.
Busha Shave
The Gov'ner's Dad
Got him
The Guard
But even
That proved
Much to hard.
Busha Shave
Had you,
Like Bush,
Not shown for duty
They'd up and
Jailed your
Sweet patootie.
Busha Shave
In 'Nam,
Gore served
With honor and pride
While George Bush
Found someplace
To hide.
Busha Shave
If we listen
To pundits
We won't have
A pot to be
Peein' in.
Busha Shave
Bush thinks
He's got
"Miracle Schools."
If you
Rand says you're fools.
Busha Shave
Texans would have
Real cause
To rejoice
If all of life's
Questions were
Multiple choice.
Busha Shave
Bush stole
The Vote
By Coup d'Etat
So Now
We're in
Some REAL deep snot!
Busha Shave

Thankew veddy much.

Author: Ferguson Foont
Last Edited: July 10, 2001
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